Lifestyle Goal: Freedom

This is the place I post when I cannot post anywhere else. As with most of you, I have a 'regular' blog which is where I go to dump most of my thoughts but occasionally, there is stuff I can't post there and people who can't see it.

It is no exception with this particular blog. I wrote that my goal this year is Freedom. Freedom in many senses of the word...

We are coming upon the last payment in a long road to pay off around $25,000 dollars on a line of credit and a credit card. It's sucked ass. We knowingly and willingly AND STUPIDLY took on the debt to maintain our lifestyle while I stayed at home with the kids and we were getting Very Very Panicky when I didn't jump right back into a position. The (stupid) plan was to pay it off with my first year's salary. See, we are very good at throwing extra money at debt--we had previously paid off two brand-new cars in no time with this method when we were younger and both working but the kicker is that we have to at least be able to maintain a minimal lifestyle to be motivated to do it. We don't require a lavish lifestyle in most senses of the word (at all--we're essentially low-class) but we do have our minimum which we refuse to go below--not out of any misguided principle but in the practiced reality. (It's complicated and stupid, I know.) But as my return to work seemed less and less likely, we started getting concerned that we would never have enough extra money to throw at it. And while I don't think it's quite appropriate for me to blow the sad panda trumpet, it has been NO FUN digging ourselves out of the hole we didn't realize had gotten quite so deep. Obviously, in retrospect, I would NEVER make the stupid decision to go into debt in the first place BUT it is like riding a fucking HIGH thinking about finally being free of it--even if it means I drive an old car for another year so we can save up cash for a newer car.

I am also practicing a "freedom from" which actually began about a year or more ago--freedom from religion. I find so many situations where I utterly DELIGHT in the fact that I get to make judgments and decisions based not on a minister's interpretations of god's holy scriptures (which, with distance and time seem vague and disjointed at best and frankly, very disturbing) but based on my own brain, my own common sense/judgment and the thoughtful input from people who's opinions I value. While I wish that I could be more open about my atheism (which probably still equals Satanism to some of my friends) to my family and friends, I know it isn't worth it. I live in the Bible Belt where a person's church affiliation is more important than the person. I find that I get to reinterpret my beliefs/notions/ideas/intolerances/tolerances every day because now I get to see things clearly without the overall notion of god's intolerances filtering the issues. People are people who deserve to love, be loved and find love. Illness is illness which sucks and luckily can (mostly) be cured or treated. Death is the end and each moment is precious. Sexuality is normal and is awesome when used responsibly--along with booze, money, and sarcasm. Parenting is more about teaching your children to Be Good People and not at all about some tally of right and wrong, heaven and hell. Bad things happen and good things happen and no Omniscient Being allows some people to die and some to starve and some to be rich. Circumstances are just that, circumstances. And it's everyone's responsibility to do what they can with what they have and help when they can. Life is SO MUCH EASIER without the guilt and shame of religion in our lives (Speaking on behalf of my little family). I utterly completely respect that most of my family would be Very Sad and try to Restore Me to The Flock if they realized my new system of determining my beliefs. I am happy that they are happy with their lives and since none of them are actively or even passively shunning or practicing intolerance but use their beliefs to help people, I am okay with mentally disagreeing with the (supposed, from my perspective) source of their goodness. I believe they're good people and like myself, would continue to be good people even without a god. Freedom. It's nice.

Freedom from Failure. I felt like a complete and utter failure most of the entire time I stayed at home with my kids. Seven years of feeling like I wasn't good enough. I always felt like I should have been enjoying the time I had with the kids (which, ironically, I *did*, but I always felt like I didn't enjoy it *enough*). I am unmotivated to do chores that get undone in an hour. I hate deciding what's for dinner every night. I hate being the Only One responsible for the household chores. The house was never clean enough, the laundry was never put away and the dishes would stack embarrassingly high before I would "remember" to do them. Now that I am working, I do chores because they Must Be Done. We Must have clothes to wear and it's harder on me to NOT put them away because that means I must dig through a laundry basket in the morning, which is always filled with morning chaos. Dishes must get done because we are out of paper plates. Husband Must help out because I now have a full-time job. I am so happy to be done with the ever-present sense of failure.

Freedom to Enjoy Life--this is carried over from last year. I want to enjoy the time that I have now. Getting out of debt, working again, getting past religion for the sake of religion all help complete my lifestyle change that started last year with my themed goal, which was 'Live The Life I have NOW'. But now I've amended it to add 'Live the Life of Freedom I Have NOW!'

**I know this post is a bit choppy but there is a family in the next room who desperately need some schooling in Lego Harry Potter on the Wii.

How about a Parent's Camp--with margaritas?

I recently wrote a post for my regular blog about The Scouts of Boy. (Just call me paranoid.)

You can read it at www (dot) 4 (spelled out) stonesoup (dot) com if you want.

The gist of my post is WHY DEAR GOD WHY do schools allow such aggressive marketing techniques in schools? Promotional Videos? Brightly Colored Stickers Reminding him he needs to BE A SCOUT? PIMP TALKS? For the Love of God?

And quite honestly, they do it for many other organizations as well--sports leagues, karate classes, local nature camps to name a few. And I realize that there is a line somewhere between informing parents about activities their children can participate in and full on advertising but I don't know. Should our kids' classroom and backpacks be a part of a marketing ploy for any organization involving children? Who decides which organization gets to come in and pimp themselves to my kids? Is it responsible or fair to pump a kid up with misleading propaganda (The Scouts of Boy do Fun Outdoorsy Stuff all of the Time! And it's CHEAP!) and leave the parents to try to explain why that's not exactly correct or true?

It just seems odd that a religiously-affiliated organization is getting a lot of face time during my kid's academic time. I so do not want to be that ranty parent. Partly because we are not out of the religious closet (as atheists in The South--my Dad's a Pastor, for the love...) and partly because I don't care to rock the boat in a school system where I hope to be eventually employed.

I generally hate all forms of aggressive advertising. It seems patronizing (here, let me tell you what you should do or buy or have!), deceptive and manipulative. I can turn off the advertising on TV. I can avoid stores at the mall where people try to usher my kids into their brightly lit stores filled with over-priced doll clothes and bears they can shove fluff into the ass of. But how do I handle it when it comes from school?

I realize this is an opportunity to teach my kids that their desires do not exclusively dictate our family's schedule. But trust me, we do that ALL of the time (as we are inherently selfish, lazy parents who have NO desire to spend all of our free time catering to our kids' whims). But it's very hard when my first grader is being constantly told for a full week (so far) at school how great, service-oriented,and awesomely spectacular (With Fire! And Cookies!) The Scouts of Boy is. Even my kindergarten *daughter* is stoked about going to The Scouts of Boy--which, obviously, she can't. (Although I would like to say that I put aside all of these convictions for Peanut Butter Tagalong GSCookies. Just sayin'. All of my frothy-mouthed rantiness goes down the drain when peanut butter, chocolate and shortbread are involved.)

I feel like it's kind of like a church. Huge amounts of time, energy and money spent on proselytizing and manipulative, bait-and-switch advertising where you are told you'll have fun doing charitable, service-oriented activities, making crafts, eating cookies and drinking lemonade and going to camp when in reality, you spend most of your time in boring meetings, the cookies are cheap and the uniform sucks.

Hello! Care to hear an uninteresting, long rant?

I almost forgot that I have this spacious pink apartment in the city and I am so glad I remembered because I was about to resort to breaking out the nail polish and kvetching with my 4 year old daughter.

Brother #1 (who was in jail during our last installment) is out of jail, in a program, back at home and, it seems to most people, trying to figure out what to do with his life. He was "working" with a friend who has a company based in the construction industry BUT, come to find out, he was working but evidently NOT GETTING PAID. Which to me, sounds FISHY, Hrrrm? Like Why would someone work a job where they are not getting paid? There are many possibilities here. One is that he *is* getting paid but just not telling his family, his wife, etc. and not using it to support their family (two small children, wife is an educator so not exactly making the jack). OR he is certainly NOT getting paid actual cash-money but some other form of payment...possibly blow-jobs? (Because drugs and alcohol are not options as he is on a STRINGENT drug plan which involves submitting to multiple drug/alcohol tests per week in return for a tightly clutched get out of jail card.) Or perhaps he is, in fact, NOT working but just kind of doing whatever the hell he wants (adultery, etc) and is telling his wife he is "learning the ropes" at the company? I suppose there's the chance that he actually IS doing what he says but it seems rather SUSPICIOUS. If my husband "worked" a job without getting any sort of pay (minus, perhaps, the possibility that he was founding a company) but worked it so often that he was not at home a lot, I would begin to wonder what the hell was going on after about a month. He must have been doing something because while his wife works during the school year, My Mom watches THEIR kids for NO pay. Whatever is actually happening, his wife eventually told him (after somewhere along the lines of 5-6 months) to either get paid or leave the job. Surprisingly, he left the job...to start his own (in the same industry) business. This was, perhaps, 3 months ago. Since then, he has done ONE job and that one got fabulously fucked up because, due to worker negligence, there was a substantial amount of water-damage in the home (it was an acquaintance). I do not KNOW or CARE about the details. On the day of the House Tragedy, my Mom called me frantically at around 4:45 pm and asked if I would be willing to come help Brother #1 clean up from the water damage. As my husband was not home from work (two small children at home) AND I didn't want to, I told her "Sorry." Later that evening, at well after 9:30, my father called and asked us to borrow our dehumidifier. Again, my answer was NO as things have a way of getting ruined around my family and we frequently use our dehumidifier in our basement. It has taken a long time (and many things returned broken if returned at all), but I have finally learned to either say no or lie.

So, my Mom has been spending Every Spare Minute of her time helping Brother #1 in cleaning up this house...and it's been 4 weeks. NO ONE understands why the clean up is taking So Much Time...from my understanding, this was a situation where they had to replace some dry wall, ceiling and clean some carpets. Regardless, she's been going Every Day (weekends included) and staying until well into the wee hours (3 or 4 in the morning). And while she *is well known* for her perfectionism when doing any projects, this is bordering on ridiculous. My Mom is certainly energetic and capable but she's nearing 60 years old. She planned and cancelled and planned our annual birthday celebration (for my birthday) and I suppose she's just forgotten about it because The Day of The Celebration, I called her and she was...still working on the house. She's cancelled plans to help out one of my other brothers with overnight babysitting so they could go to a resort (they won a trip) before the birth of their second child. She didn't even bother to tell them she couldn't do it...they eventually just figured it out when she didn't answer the phone. She did not go to the hospital when her 6 week old granddaughter was admitted because she was working on the house. She did not go when another brother was admitted later that week with a substantial hand injury.

Now, I recognize that families help each other out but this has gotten out of hand. And OF COURSE, Brother #1 is NOT paying her for her work.

So, the summer that was supposed to be about her spending time with her other grandchildren (of which there are 5 and two more on the way) has been about her YET AGAIN devoting all of her time to Brother #1 and his needs.

I stay at home with my kids. BUT, I have been trying to crack into photography. I was hoping that my Mom would be able to help me out (with PAY, of course) while I go on shoots AT MOST once a week for about two hours, but this has not happened. I recognize that this is HER CHOICE but it's driving me crazy and...frankly, hurting my feelings. It's like his needs are more important than MY needs and HIS BUSINESS is more important than MY business. Although, I suppose that one could argue that it's a matter of depth of need and crisis but STILL.

The ONE TIME she left the jobsite to come to a family function, she spent HER ENTIRE TIME with Brother #1's child. Not spending ANY time with my kids (which, the family function happened to be my son's birthday party) or any of my other FIVE SIBLINGS' children.

It's now The Joke that we are all the Unwanted Ones.

I have been trying VERY HARD to just LET IT GO but dayum, it's gone from eyebrow-cocking with my other siblings to whispered phone calls...

That being said, I find it very hard to fault Brother #1 because I absolutely know, without a doubt, that if I had a Great, Urgent Need, he would Move heaven and earth to help me or any of us. I do, however, fault her for helping him to the exclusion of all others and Him for taking advantage of her obsessive need to be needed. I also realize quite clearly that she is a perfectly capable adult and she is doing what she thinks/feels she needs to do...just like *I* am doing what *I* feel I need to do by *not* helping or lending out tools. But DAYUM there's a 6 year old little girl in me who feels like Mommy doesn't care about her.

********************

So ON TOP OF THAT, my Biodad and his wife (whom I find tolerable in teeny-tiny small doses) were supposed to come for a visit (they live out of state and generally come once a year--which is PLENTY for all of us). Aaaaanyway, they used to just show up on our doorstep (or Brother #1's doorstep) at 7 in the morning and announce their intention to stay for a week and OH, I'VE BROUGHT MY DOG and YOUR NEW MOMMY! (They've been married for about 4 years now.)

At least NOW, we've gotten them to the point where they do not just show up...or so I thought. They called a few weeks ago and said they would be arriving on June 21 and leaving on June 25. They were getting a hotel room (!!) and NOT bringing the dog. ALL FINE AND GOOD! So, come Sunday night, we had heard NOTHING else from them so my SIL calls them and they called back on Monday morning and said, "OH, btw, we aren't coming today, we're coming on Wednesday or Thursday!" So, come Wednesday night, my SIL calls again (I choose to take the ignore them and hope they go away--which generally works about 60% of the time.) and they say, "Oh, wait, did we say Wednesday? We've decided on Saturday or Sunday instead." Which means that I have spent this ENTIRE week dreading their visit when I could have, in fact, held off on dreading their visit for a few more, precious days. It's not so much that I don't like them (I like my biodad just fine), it's just that he's never had kids (he left my Mom when I was 2 weeks old) around, she never had kids and together, they're kind of dolts when it comes to the basics of social niceties including such crucial points as:

--You CANNOT just show up on someone's doorstep at 7 am with dog in tow (at a NO PET house) and expect them to be all HAPPY to SEE you! No warning! Just SURPRISE, WE'RE HERE!

--If you PROMISE our grandchildren that you are coming and then do not show up, they will be disappointed and cry and their parents will hate you a little bit more while trying to explain to their distraught children why their grandparent hasn't seen them in over a year. "They're VERY busy with work, honey." Although that one is getting a bit thin as they are both educators and my kids now understand the concept of "school year".

--Coming in once a year and trying to "parent" your grandchildren is NEVER a good idea. Ever.

--Trying to inflict house rules in someone else's house (NO SHOES IN THE HOUSE, KIDS!) is always a BAD IDEA!

--People who show up unannounced once a year should not be visibly disappointed when the house is unprepared for your dietary needs (special kind of soy, no meat, no dairy, etc)

--In a small house with two small children who are exuberant to see their biogranddad and wife is NO PLACE to expect peace and quiet.

--Moms with (I insert breastfeeding but really any particular kind of) newborns DO NOT want to go hiking, river rafting or ANY sort of harsh, physical activity which requires being gone for multiple hours. "Come on, just BRING THE BABY!"

Oh it goes ON AND ON. I think it's all made worse by the fact that I would quite happily never see them again in my entire life. I harbor no ill-will and I'm not all huffy-mad, I just would not choose to spend any time with them if not for the chance genetic link we share.

So here's the NEVER KNOWING when houseguests will arrive and stay for multiple days and expect to be entertained doing activities you don't find particularly enjoyable!

*********************

PARENTS! UGH!

The Occasion where we meet Mom

My brother (Brother #1) is still in jail.  We're not sure exactly what is going on.  No bail has been set, no judge has seen him.  

The wait, as you can imagine, is agonizing for my mother.  It's not just not being able to talk with my brother (although he is able to occasionally make a call but it's hit or miss who he's able to get in touch with), it's the realization that the chance of  his eventually resuming a normal life seems very small.  The fact that no matter what he will probably spend a significant amount of time in jail.  

My Mom has lived through a lot.  Her Mom jettisoned her and her siblings away in the middle of the night, leaving her father clueless as to the location of his children--for  years.  And leaving the kids wondering where their Daddy was.  Her Mother eventually remarrying a man who turned out to be an alcoholic pedophile who molested my Mom and her sisters, especially her youngest sister, his own daughter.  A mother who either would not or could not recognize what was going on in her own home.  Dealing with the lifetime mental illness of that sister including multiple suicide attempts, frequent hospitalizations, etc, caused by or made worse by the severe sexual abuse.  A marriage to a man (began at age 16) who came from a background which made it impossible for him to maintain any sort of stable relationship.  This marriage produced my brother and myself.  This marriage began officially dissolving when my father looked at my Mother (with a 3 year old and a 2 week old) and said, "I don't love you and I don't think I ever did." and walked out.  Life as a single mother.  Dating as a single mother.  Marrying a man who had three children from a previous marriage.  Trying to blend two families.  Having my step-Dad's ex-wife steal away across the country, taking the kids and the possibility of a relationship with them.  Watching her brother waste away and  eventually die from cancer.  Losing four babies to miscarriages.  A few instances of my step-Dad losing his job--being laid off.  Eventually my Dad going back into full-time ministry--which comes with its own set of issues  altogether.  Losing her mother after a long battle with heart disease.  Various arrests (college-aged stupidity) by her sons who were seriously raised much better than that.  Illegitimate grandchild whom she practically raised as a baby-toddler who was carted off across the country for over a year and until a court-mandated visitation schedule.  The pains and trials of her own children as they struggled with their own issues (my own included).  A struggle with the after-effects of a head injury caused in a serious car accident.  A diagnosis of skin cancer and subsequent surgery.  The latest of this string of events (a lot of which I left out) is my thirty-something brother's arrest.

Today, my Mom's loving, faithful dog was hit by a car and died.  Right in front of their house.  

It's like she can't get a fucking break.

As I sat there, my Mom sobbing for the dog who loved and was loved dearly, the son who's screwing up his life and screwing up his children, the...everything...that my Mom has been dealing with recently, I just want to get all fist-shaky at God or Murphy's Law or the "When it rains..." philosophy.  It  makes me Very Fucking Glad I gave up religion because she sure is getting the raw end of this deal and I am glad to know that there is no one "allowing" this to happen to her.  She took her hard life and made better for her children.  She did exactly what she was supposed to do.  She didn't give in to the cycle but fought against it and became a better person and raised her children in a home filled not with dysfunction but with stability, balance and happiness.  And my siblings should do better by her.  And I could Seriously Hurt my brother(s) for not appreciating the effort it must have taken for her to not just  give in and become what her life circumstances were trying so hard to make her.  I realize now what a precious gift that really is--how easily my life/our lives could have been completely different.

And even as she was teary-eyed, red and swollen from crying, broken-hearted about the dog, she said, "You know, I loved (the dog) and she was such a good dog but Thank God it wasn't one of the grand kids.  At least it wasn't as bad as it could have been.  She didn't suffer."

Just a little bit of a Fucking Break, please.

The Occasion Where Constance Gets Yet Another Call

Annnnnd I found out this morning that Brother #1 is in jail. Again.

Funny aside: When I called my sister (whom we have not met on this blog), I told her that her brother was in jail. She paused a second and said, "Which One?" Because it seriously could have been any one of the three at one time.

I can't seem to wrap my mind around that fact that my brother, with whom I spent many an afternoon playing army guys, is apparently becoming a career criminal. Oh, I've read stories where a person talks about their relative's drug problems, arrests, etc. and I've always thought (not explicitly but in a vague sort of way), "Well, they're obviously dysfunctional/trashy/lowclass/notfromagoodfamilylife/lackingmoralgrounding/etc." I always thought that people who ended up with multiple drug arrests were "addicts" who lived a life of ill-repute. I really thought that the few skirmishes and questionable decisions my family members have made have been more about College Rebellion and Youthful Stupidity rather than lifelong criminal tendencies. I really thought everyone would get their shit together at some point. And I thought for sure that although Brother #1 has always been known to be a social toker, it was Not a Big Deal. I'm not sure why I thought we (as in, my family) were better than this.

This time, it seems he was pulled over for a minor traffic violation (like, generally one where the officer says, "Get this fixed." and lets you go with a warning).

Evidently, the halo of pot smoke swirling around Brother #1's head tipped the officer off to the fact that, "Hey, there might be drugs in here."

And a check of the car revealed some (quantity unknown) various prescription pills which, obviously, Brother #1 had no prescription for. They were not in a labeled bottle.

And while I was getting the information from my father about all of this, Brother #1 beeps in (from jail), wondering where everyone was and complaining of being cold.

Ummm...we're all sitting here, mouths agape at your stupidity for continuing to do drugs, *getting caught with them, AGAIN* when you haven't even had your court date from your previous arrest for possession of cocaine and the fact that you left a meeting with your lawyer and got pulled over for something SO STUPID and ended in IN JAIL. Oh. My. God. How stupid Can You Be? Give us a fucking minute to reattach our jaws and stop doing fish-gape faces at the phone before you harangue us because you're cold. OMG, Why don't You just Sit There and Freeze, Asshole.

I'm not sure exactly what he expects to happen. I mean, his prior arrest happened when he...wait for it...got pulled over for a minor traffic violation. This time, the officer suspected drugs (gee, I wonder why, possibly the plume of smoke and skunk-smell?) and found cocaine in the trunk of my brother's car. He was riding with a group of guys. Of course, he claims that it wasn't his but when a lawyer said, "Well, that's something. Plausible deniability. Because the bag won't have your fingerprints on it you will be able to argue that you didn't know it was there." and Brother #1 replied, "Yeah, well. That's the thing. It *would* have my fingerprints on it...but it wasn't mine."

I would like to reemphasize that my brother is in his Mid-Thirties. Has a wife (although that's on the road to divorce). He has two children. He has a very supportive, tight-knit family. He's got a mortgage, fercryinoutloud.

He should KNOW better.

At this point, most of the family is sitting back to see what will happen. I, for one, am in no rush to bail him out. I hate to say this but I think his ass needs to sit in jail and think about what his story is going to be. What kind of father he is going to be.

Some of these decisions are a foregone conclusion. He's already going to have a record. He's already probably going to spend some major time in jail. His kids are already going to have to visit their Daddy in the Big House. He's already failed in a lot of ways.

And it may be the shock, but DAMN people, I'm starting to think that he may not pull out of this. I have already accepted that he may have A Problem. That's fine. That's something we can handle. But this whole Multiple Arrests is getting into gray area where I'm not sure how to handle My Idea of Him. Because, seriously, the other day, he dropped off his son for kindergarten, for God's sake. He just stayed home with his sick baby boy the other day. I can't imagine thinking of him now spending multiple, multiple months (years, possibly) in jail.

OMG, my family is everything my MIL thought it was.

fuck.

The Occasion where we find out Constance is That Bitter Aunt

This is my story. Of complete and utter family dysfunction, to a level that is eye-blinkingly shocking--even for me, and I am *used* to it.

I have three brothers. This is the background information for my youngest sibling--a brother.
Brother #1 (see Brother #1 category and post)
Brother #2 (to sum up) Illegitimate child with one girl while dating another girl with some question as to his paternity. Insert new girl (now wife) who has new baby, daughter. Fought custody battle the likes of which is fodder for J3rry Sprin&er shows in at least four languages. Oh, and he's not even Mid Twenties.
Brother #3

He is very young. Early twenties. Like not even legal to drink in most states.

He never graduated from high school.

Let that sink in. He comes from a generation where graduating from college is the norm. He's perfectly capable and smart, he just stopped going to high school and my parents basically threw up their hands at him and let him quit. I'm not sure what I was expecting them to do about it but I know for a fact that they didn't do it, whatever it was.

He always felt like he should have the exact same privileges his older siblings had even though he was significantly younger.

He has been married for not quite one year. Their wedding was a two week sort of throw together affair for no other reason than they didn't want to wait for their actual planned wedding for one year later. They now regret that they didn't just wait.
In any event, he's married, to an early twenties (like closer to teenager) but incredibly immature girl. She's likable enough but she definitely needed some independence, age, control over her emotions and experience before she took the plunge into any sort of serious relationship. She has held, over the past year, approximately four jobs--all serving jobs in chain restaurants. She quit every single one of them within a few months of starting. She was "going to school" to become a medical assistant but now cannot find a job.

Brother #3 just lost his job as a waiter on management track at a nicer restaurant for 'allegedly' stealing $20. I don't leap to defend him because although it seems out of character for him, I wouldn't completely discount the possibility of him swiping a twenty now and again. And that's kind of a horrible thing to think about your brother.

Oh, and they're expecting their first child. On purpose. Because evidently, not having medical care, no steady stream of income, already getting collection calls from the Very Few actual expenses they have and THEY LIVE WITH MY PARENTS isn't enough of a disadvantage to their already bleak situation.

Am I the only one who thinks this is CRAZY? They *already* do not have enough money. They are BOTH CURRENTLY UNEMPLOYED. Did I mention that? They have NO prospects for other jobs at this point. They do not pay rent, they do not pay for food, they do not have any bills except car payments and possibly a small credit card (which they already cannot pay) yet, YET, they think it's a GREAT time to HAVE A BABY!!!!!!!!!! THEY DID IT ON PURPOSE. They knowingly tried to have a baby.

I cannot wrap my mind around their collective stupidity.
Which makes it very hard for me, with a smile glued to my face, to endure the fact that my SIL is acting like she is a suburban housewife when speaking of this baby. Like, she has bedding picked out. BEDDING fercryinoutloud. They have ONE car, no jobs and no way to provide for this child but her BABY SHOWER REGISTRY is already started.

And I could give them their excitement and the "let's make the best of this situation" attitude except that they were PLANNING this. I think it would be a leeeeetle bit different if it was a "broken condom" child.

And maybe I'm a bit of a pessimist and a little bitter about how seriously I take this whole "parenting" thing and how I wish to god I could be so blase about it. But, I don't know...I kind of take it *seriously*. Like, this isn't just about Baby Gap clothes....it's about an actual person. A person who must be raised with the parents having some sense of the gravity of the process. I just cannot see a child/baby as family adornment dressed in latest trends.

Gah. Bitter Old Aunt Constance--who will love this child but always harbor a little resentment that his or her parents did not think enough of the process to at least Think! And Wait a Few Goddamn Years! before bringing a baby into their life of food stamps, instability and irresponsibility. ON PURPOSE.

The Occasion where we meet Brother #1

I'm one of five or six or eight children, depending on who's counting. I usually say one of five because there were five children who were raised together. The other three live across the country with my step-dad's ex-wife (who has died) and two of those three have completely sworn off contact with both their father (my step-dad) and the rest of the family. One of those children, a girl who is a year younger than me, maintains fairly regular contact and we exchange visits when airline prices and schedules allow--which is typically about once every two or three years.
So anyway, there were five of us who grew up together.

This story is about Brother #1.

Brother #1 is my only full sibling. We are the product of the same Mom and Bio-Dad.
As a side note, Bio-Dad walked out on our family when I was 2 weeks old and Brother #1 was 3 years old. He maintained occasional, forced contact (my Mom did all of the work getting it arranged and basically begged him to spend time with us) throughout our childhoods. As a general rule, he spent more time with Brother #1 than me because I was a girl and he "didn't know how to deal with a girl." Whatever.
Brother #1 grew up idolizing and idealizing (which is worse, I think) Bio-Dad until he got old enough to realize what a cack he really was/is.

Fast forward through mismatched high school romance which turned into mismatched college romance which turned into mismatched marriage which produced two boys (my nephews). My nephews were attempts by my SIL to "trick" my brother into staying in their bad marriage. She maintains, to this day, that baby #1 was a "surprise" (everyone know this is a complete lie but if it makes her sleep at night, whatever) and baby #2 was the follow-up baby to a "surprise" baby who miscarried.

Their marital issues are numerous and complicated yet simple.

Basically, he does things that make her do things which make him do things which make for a horrible cycle of frustration, anger and discord. And the "things" they do are just ingrained parts of their personalities--neither one is wrong or right...it's just who they are.

My SIL is very veryveryvery needy. She has LOW self-esteem stemming from molestation as a child and a mother who often told her in manipulative, passive-aggressive ways that she wasn't good enough. For example, "Oh, you could *never* get your haircut like that--you just don't have the jawline to pull it off. You'll need to watch that double chin..." Etc, etc.

Brother #1, on the other hand, has always harbored a lot of anger and resentment. The reasons probably stem mostly from feelings of abandonment (from the disappearance/reappearance cycle of Bio-Dad). Of course, that's just my second-hand sofa psychology. He also HATES being tied down and is always on the go. His idea of a good time is to hang out with friends or going and doing anything, SIL's idea of a good time is to cuddle up at home with a movie.

All of this leads to the Great Marital and Personal Detonation of this past year.

Over the course of the past year or so, Brother #1 has lived mostly NOT at home. He's lost his job (which was never an actual "real" job to begin with). He's missed Christmases, his children's birthdays, family gatherings, etc. He's wrecked or been responsible for the totalling of three cars. He's been arrested for possession of cocaine! COCAINE! He's always dabbled in pot and was a 'dealer' in college. And that sounds way worse than it actually was. But doing 'harder' drugs and getting arrested on a felony charge is completely different than the occasional stoner party. He's obviously spiraling out of control (or has already spiraled out of the control).

Brother #1 ignores SIL's phone calls, maintains MINIMAL contact with the rest of the family and god only knows what he's doing all of the time. He's repeatedly told SIL that he hates her and wishes they would just get divorced already and blames her for the ruin of their relationship but turns around and tells her he loves her.

SIL is the full-time provider and Brother #1 only comes around when he needs cash, needs to get laid or needs food yet she is CONVINCED that their marriage is worth saving and that things are getting better. She believes that even though Brother #1 will disappear for weeks on end. She obsessively calls him (like on the order of 100-200 times per day--all of which he has started ignoring) and texts (30-40 per hour) and if he doesn't answer, she leaves consistently more enraged, dramatic voice mails. She's very manipulative and will even say that one of the kids is sick and at the ER (when he's not) or put my oldest nephew on the phone saying "Daddy, I miss you, Mommy says you don't love/want us anymore." to try to convince my Brother to come home. So he's stopped listening to voice mails which means he misses legitimate voice mails from family members ("Hey, Brother #1, your sister is in the hospital.")
Basically, she's reached the desperation point in her own neediness and is, in her own way, joining Brother #1 in his downward spiral. The ONLY thing that keeps her from hitting ultimate bottom is my nephews. That's not to say that she isn't inflicting her own damage upon them, that's just to say that she is at least able to maintain the facade.

And this could go on and on. And I am just so damn disappointed in my brother. He's better than this. Or at least, I *thought* he was. There was a span of time where the marital discord was there but he certainly wasn't spiraling out of control. And I would like to smack my SIL because she's doing the very things that drive him away but just cannot hear it when she's told that (by friends, my Mom--with whom she maintains a very good relationship, by family members, by professional counselors--whom she quit seeing after Brother #1 stopped attending). I realize that part of it is denial. And I understand her not wanting to "give up" but it's not like this relationship was ever very good for either of them. And I kind of realize that this is her own decision and it's not really my place to make the decision of "when is enough" for her.

But the REALLY crappy part is that the shrapnel from their marital and individual detonations is hitting and damaging my nephews. There is nothing I can do for them. I can't undo the damage and I can't prevent either Brother #1 or SIL from continuing to hurt them. All of this is having an effect on them--especially the older one, who is five...the younger one is 18 months. Their issues are manifesting themselves in my nephew in ways that will, most undoubtedly, effect him throughout his life. It pisses me off that my brother is continuing the cycle created by our absentee Bio-Dad but instead of just walking away, he's taking the damage up a notch.

And I'm not sure how to talk to him or if it's even worth it.