Brother #1 (who was in jail during our last installment) is out of jail, in a program, back at home and, it seems to most people, trying to figure out what to do with his life. He was "working" with a friend who has a company based in the construction industry BUT, come to find out, he was working but evidently NOT GETTING PAID. Which to me, sounds FISHY, Hrrrm? Like Why would someone work a job where they are not getting paid? There are many possibilities here. One is that he *is* getting paid but just not telling his family, his wife, etc. and not using it to support their family (two small children, wife is an educator so not exactly making the jack). OR he is certainly NOT getting paid actual cash-money but some other form of payment...possibly blow-jobs? (Because drugs and alcohol are not options as he is on a STRINGENT drug plan which involves submitting to multiple drug/alcohol tests per week in return for a tightly clutched get out of jail card.) Or perhaps he is, in fact, NOT working but just kind of doing whatever the hell he wants (adultery, etc) and is telling his wife he is "learning the ropes" at the company? I suppose there's the chance that he actually IS doing what he says but it seems rather SUSPICIOUS. If my husband "worked" a job without getting any sort of pay (minus, perhaps, the possibility that he was founding a company) but worked it so often that he was not at home a lot, I would begin to wonder what the hell was going on after about a month. He must have been doing something because while his wife works during the school year, My Mom watches THEIR kids for NO pay. Whatever is actually happening, his wife eventually told him (after somewhere along the lines of 5-6 months) to either get paid or leave the job. Surprisingly, he left the job...to start his own (in the same industry) business. This was, perhaps, 3 months ago. Since then, he has done ONE job and that one got fabulously fucked up because, due to worker negligence, there was a substantial amount of water-damage in the home (it was an acquaintance). I do not KNOW or CARE about the details. On the day of the House Tragedy, my Mom called me frantically at around 4:45 pm and asked if I would be willing to come help Brother #1 clean up from the water damage. As my husband was not home from work (two small children at home) AND I didn't want to, I told her "Sorry." Later that evening, at well after 9:30, my father called and asked us to borrow our dehumidifier. Again, my answer was NO as things have a way of getting ruined around my family and we frequently use our dehumidifier in our basement. It has taken a long time (and many things returned broken if returned at all), but I have finally learned to either say no or lie.
So, my Mom has been spending Every Spare Minute of her time helping Brother #1 in cleaning up this house...and it's been 4 weeks. NO ONE understands why the clean up is taking So Much Time...from my understanding, this was a situation where they had to replace some dry wall, ceiling and clean some carpets. Regardless, she's been going Every Day (weekends included) and staying until well into the wee hours (3 or 4 in the morning). And while she *is well known* for her perfectionism when doing any projects, this is bordering on ridiculous. My Mom is certainly energetic and capable but she's nearing 60 years old. She planned and cancelled and planned our annual birthday celebration (for my birthday) and I suppose she's just forgotten about it because The Day of The Celebration, I called her and she was...still working on the house. She's cancelled plans to help out one of my other brothers with overnight babysitting so they could go to a resort (they won a trip) before the birth of their second child. She didn't even bother to tell them she couldn't do it...they eventually just figured it out when she didn't answer the phone. She did not go to the hospital when her 6 week old granddaughter was admitted because she was working on the house. She did not go when another brother was admitted later that week with a substantial hand injury.
Now, I recognize that families help each other out but this has gotten out of hand. And OF COURSE, Brother #1 is NOT paying her for her work.
So, the summer that was supposed to be about her spending time with her other grandchildren (of which there are 5 and two more on the way) has been about her YET AGAIN devoting all of her time to Brother #1 and his needs.
I stay at home with my kids. BUT, I have been trying to crack into photography. I was hoping that my Mom would be able to help me out (with PAY, of course) while I go on shoots AT MOST once a week for about two hours, but this has not happened. I recognize that this is HER CHOICE but it's driving me crazy and...frankly, hurting my feelings. It's like his needs are more important than MY needs and HIS BUSINESS is more important than MY business. Although, I suppose that one could argue that it's a matter of depth of need and crisis but STILL.
The ONE TIME she left the jobsite to come to a family function, she spent HER ENTIRE TIME with Brother #1's child. Not spending ANY time with my kids (which, the family function happened to be my son's birthday party) or any of my other FIVE SIBLINGS' children.
It's now The Joke that we are all the Unwanted Ones.
I have been trying VERY HARD to just LET IT GO but dayum, it's gone from eyebrow-cocking with my other siblings to whispered phone calls...
That being said, I find it very hard to fault Brother #1 because I absolutely know, without a doubt, that if I had a Great, Urgent Need, he would Move heaven and earth to help me or any of us. I do, however, fault her for helping him to the exclusion of all others and Him for taking advantage of her obsessive need to be needed. I also realize quite clearly that she is a perfectly capable adult and she is doing what she thinks/feels she needs to do...just like *I* am doing what *I* feel I need to do by *not* helping or lending out tools. But DAYUM there's a 6 year old little girl in me who feels like Mommy doesn't care about her.
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So ON TOP OF THAT, my Biodad and his wife (whom I find tolerable in teeny-tiny small doses) were supposed to come for a visit (they live out of state and generally come once a year--which is PLENTY for all of us). Aaaaanyway, they used to just show up on our doorstep (or Brother #1's doorstep) at 7 in the morning and announce their intention to stay for a week and OH, I'VE BROUGHT MY DOG and YOUR NEW MOMMY! (They've been married for about 4 years now.)
At least NOW, we've gotten them to the point where they do not just show up...or so I thought. They called a few weeks ago and said they would be arriving on June 21 and leaving on June 25. They were getting a hotel room (!!) and NOT bringing the dog. ALL FINE AND GOOD! So, come Sunday night, we had heard NOTHING else from them so my SIL calls them and they called back on Monday morning and said, "OH, btw, we aren't coming today, we're coming on Wednesday or Thursday!" So, come Wednesday night, my SIL calls again (I choose to take the ignore them and hope they go away--which generally works about 60% of the time.) and they say, "Oh, wait, did we say Wednesday? We've decided on Saturday or Sunday instead." Which means that I have spent this ENTIRE week dreading their visit when I could have, in fact, held off on dreading their visit for a few more, precious days. It's not so much that I don't like them (I like my biodad just fine), it's just that he's never had kids (he left my Mom when I was 2 weeks old) around, she never had kids and together, they're kind of dolts when it comes to the basics of social niceties including such crucial points as:
--You CANNOT just show up on someone's doorstep at 7 am with dog in tow (at a NO PET house) and expect them to be all HAPPY to SEE you! No warning! Just SURPRISE, WE'RE HERE!
--If you PROMISE our grandchildren that you are coming and then do not show up, they will be disappointed and cry and their parents will hate you a little bit more while trying to explain to their distraught children why their grandparent hasn't seen them in over a year. "They're VERY busy with work, honey." Although that one is getting a bit thin as they are both educators and my kids now understand the concept of "school year".
--Coming in once a year and trying to "parent" your grandchildren is NEVER a good idea. Ever.
--Trying to inflict house rules in someone else's house (NO SHOES IN THE HOUSE, KIDS!) is always a BAD IDEA!
--People who show up unannounced once a year should not be visibly disappointed when the house is unprepared for your dietary needs (special kind of soy, no meat, no dairy, etc)
--In a small house with two small children who are exuberant to see their biogranddad and wife is NO PLACE to expect peace and quiet.
--Moms with (I insert breastfeeding but really any particular kind of) newborns DO NOT want to go hiking, river rafting or ANY sort of harsh, physical activity which requires being gone for multiple hours. "Come on, just BRING THE BABY!"
Oh it goes ON AND ON. I think it's all made worse by the fact that I would quite happily never see them again in my entire life. I harbor no ill-will and I'm not all huffy-mad, I just would not choose to spend any time with them if not for the chance genetic link we share.
So here's the NEVER KNOWING when houseguests will arrive and stay for multiple days and expect to be entertained doing activities you don't find particularly enjoyable!
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PARENTS! UGH!
