It is no exception with this particular blog. I wrote that my goal this year is Freedom. Freedom in many senses of the word...
We are coming upon the last payment in a long road to pay off around $25,000 dollars on a line of credit and a credit card. It's sucked ass. We knowingly and willingly AND STUPIDLY took on the debt to maintain our lifestyle while I stayed at home with the kids and we were getting Very Very Panicky when I didn't jump right back into a position. The (stupid) plan was to pay it off with my first year's salary. See, we are very good at throwing extra money at debt--we had previously paid off two brand-new cars in no time with this method when we were younger and both working but the kicker is that we have to at least be able to maintain a minimal lifestyle to be motivated to do it. We don't require a lavish lifestyle in most senses of the word (at all--we're essentially low-class) but we do have our minimum which we refuse to go below--not out of any misguided principle but in the practiced reality. (It's complicated and stupid, I know.) But as my return to work seemed less and less likely, we started getting concerned that we would never have enough extra money to throw at it. And while I don't think it's quite appropriate for me to blow the sad panda trumpet, it has been NO FUN digging ourselves out of the hole we didn't realize had gotten quite so deep. Obviously, in retrospect, I would NEVER make the stupid decision to go into debt in the first place BUT it is like riding a fucking HIGH thinking about finally being free of it--even if it means I drive an old car for another year so we can save up cash for a newer car.
I am also practicing a "freedom from" which actually began about a year or more ago--freedom from religion. I find so many situations where I utterly DELIGHT in the fact that I get to make judgments and decisions based not on a minister's interpretations of god's holy scriptures (which, with distance and time seem vague and disjointed at best and frankly, very disturbing) but based on my own brain, my own common sense/judgment and the thoughtful input from people who's opinions I value. While I wish that I could be more open about my atheism (which probably still equals Satanism to some of my friends) to my family and friends, I know it isn't worth it. I live in the Bible Belt where a person's church affiliation is more important than the person. I find that I get to reinterpret my beliefs/notions/ideas/intolerances/tolerances every day because now I get to see things clearly without the overall notion of god's intolerances filtering the issues. People are people who deserve to love, be loved and find love. Illness is illness which sucks and luckily can (mostly) be cured or treated. Death is the end and each moment is precious. Sexuality is normal and is awesome when used responsibly--along with booze, money, and sarcasm. Parenting is more about teaching your children to Be Good People and not at all about some tally of right and wrong, heaven and hell. Bad things happen and good things happen and no Omniscient Being allows some people to die and some to starve and some to be rich. Circumstances are just that, circumstances. And it's everyone's responsibility to do what they can with what they have and help when they can. Life is SO MUCH EASIER without the guilt and shame of religion in our lives (Speaking on behalf of my little family). I utterly completely respect that most of my family would be Very Sad and try to Restore Me to The Flock if they realized my new system of determining my beliefs. I am happy that they are happy with their lives and since none of them are actively or even passively shunning or practicing intolerance but use their beliefs to help people, I am okay with mentally disagreeing with the (supposed, from my perspective) source of their goodness. I believe they're good people and like myself, would continue to be good people even without a god. Freedom. It's nice.
Freedom from Failure. I felt like a complete and utter failure most of the entire time I stayed at home with my kids. Seven years of feeling like I wasn't good enough. I always felt like I should have been enjoying the time I had with the kids (which, ironically, I *did*, but I always felt like I didn't enjoy it *enough*). I am unmotivated to do chores that get undone in an hour. I hate deciding what's for dinner every night. I hate being the Only One responsible for the household chores. The house was never clean enough, the laundry was never put away and the dishes would stack embarrassingly high before I would "remember" to do them. Now that I am working, I do chores because they Must Be Done. We Must have clothes to wear and it's harder on me to NOT put them away because that means I must dig through a laundry basket in the morning, which is always filled with morning chaos. Dishes must get done because we are out of paper plates. Husband Must help out because I now have a full-time job. I am so happy to be done with the ever-present sense of failure.
Freedom to Enjoy Life--this is carried over from last year. I want to enjoy the time that I have now. Getting out of debt, working again, getting past religion for the sake of religion all help complete my lifestyle change that started last year with my themed goal, which was 'Live The Life I have NOW'. But now I've amended it to add 'Live the Life of Freedom I Have NOW!'
**I know this post is a bit choppy but there is a family in the next room who desperately need some schooling in Lego Harry Potter on the Wii.
